Have you ever...?

... felt appreciated but not respected? I've been feeling that a lot lately on SO many fronts.

Days Like This

I hate days like this. Everything is pissing me off or putting me in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone; I don't want to do anything; I don't want to see anyone. I don't even want to look at pictures of my favorite 5-year old or kibbitz with my favorite person on instant message. It's stupid too.

I heard this morning that 2 of my favorite people won't be able to come to town for Thanksgiving. I so look forward to that every year and am extremely disappointed. Mom suggested maybe we change our plans and go to Sis's instead of staying home. I don't want to do that, but I'm considering telling her that she and Dad should go and I'll just stay home. Maybe I'd fix dinner for friends and do my own thing this year. I know that will NEVER fly! I don't truly have a life of my own. Even if I seriously wanted to do that I would end up being persona-non-grata and everyone would be mad at me.

I'm just having a horrible day today. I want to just go home and crawl back into bed.

I'm Tired...

...tired of feeling like everything I believe is wrong.

...tired of feeling that because I think something is wrong, I'm a horrible person.

...tired of constantly feeling like I owe someone an explanation.

...tired of not feeling like I can really be myself.

...tired of feeling like someone, somewhere is always judging me.

I want to be my own person, but I just don't feel like the world will let me.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free...

"If they come back they're yours; if not they never were."

Over the past couple of years, I have found this axiom to be very true. I had someone that I held tightly to and they struggled to be free. I finally, reluctantly released them. Although it took a good deal of time, they are finally returning to me. Not exactly in the way I had hoped, but returning to me nonetheless.

Therapeutic

I've heard writers say that writing is sometimes therapeutic for them. I am actually finding that is true for me.

I have my regular public blog that I share with everyone in my world. Then there is this one. This one is where I write my truest, deepest thoughts and feelings. This is where I open myself up and spew my guts.

Here is where I can write and say whatever I want without having to explain myself. Here is where I don’t have to worry about somebody reading what I’ve written and worrying about what I might do. I am not a suicidal person, but I’m honestly afraid that some people might overreact and think I might be.

So to the internet world that doesn’t know me, I thank you for letting me be me here in this world of blogging.

I'll Just Finish My Life Alone

As much as I want to be married and have children of my own, I've reached a point in my life where I'll say that I'll just finish my life alone.

I'm 48 years old. I'm beyond the time where I could actually carry a healthy baby and after watching the way "loving couples" treat each other, I'll just finish my life alone.

I can't take the scrutiny and criticism of friends and loved ones for what they don't approve of. I'll just finish my life alone.

I don't like being alone all of the time. I would enjoy coming home to someone each night and having someone there to snuggle with, but I just can't take that stress and turmoil. I'll just finish my life alone.

I won't turn anyone away should they decide they wish to be my companion, but I'm not looking anymore. It's not worth the hurt, pain and aggravation. I'll just finish my life alone.

May 23, 2006

We are fast approaching a date that I would much rather forget. Very much like March 5, 2005, it is a day that forever changed my life, but in the opposite way.

March 5, 2005 is the day that I met Him. It didn’t take long, but soon my life was all about Him. I wanted to be with Him every minute of the day, and we were together as much as possible when we weren’t working. Even when we were at work we seemed to be in constant communication via email, text messaging and phone calls. I honestly thought that I was deeply and madly in love. I honestly thought that He was the one I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. HA! HA! HA! HA! I realize now, now that there has been some distance and time between us, that I was in love with the idea that someone wanted to be with me.

May 23, 2006 was the day my life began to crash in around me. Although I didn’t see it immediately, that was the first night that I know He was with someone else. He will never admit it to me, but as the few years have gone by, I can see now that that is where He was. It was a few days later that the final blow came and I have been on my own since then.

Yes, there have been times when we were close and intimate again, but I’ve never been the “only” one in His life again. The truth is I don’t think that I ever really was. I couldn’t be the only one in his life when we first met because he was just starting what turned out to be a very ugly divorce process. I think there was still a small glimmer of hope that something might be mended with the ex. As he became more comfortable with the fact that he was no longer married (or going to be) he became even more flirtatious with other females. Then by the time we had been together a year I was slowly becoming less and less central in his life.

I honestly wish my memory wasn’t so good. Although I will forever be grateful for the time that we did have, I wish I could forget specifics and dates. Not only specifics surrounding this relationship, but a lot of things in my life. Most people think that a good memory is a gift; however, if they had ever lived in my mind for a few days, they would see that it is not always a blessing. At times like this it is a horrible, painful curse.

With Time Comes Clarity and vision

It has taken me nearly 4 years, but I have finally come to a major realization (and several lesser ones as well).

When you broke things off with me (kicked me out of your place), you told me it was because you felt like you were being smothered. I was too needy; too clingy… it was like being married again. I, being the self-depricating person I am, believed you, whole-heartedly. After all, you were the one with all of the experience in a relationship and I know what I was wishing for. That wasn’t what you wanted at all.

Well, something finally dawned on me this morning (and who knows… I may have realized this before, but pushed it out of my mind)…my “neediness” was not an issue for you until you met that other person. I’m mad at myself for not calling you on the carpet for that one right then and there, but I was so devastated that I couldn’t think straight. I’ve actually known all along that the night that I called around looking for you was one of the first nights you were with her but you lied to me instead of telling me the truth. I don’t know if you had been out with her before, but I can see the times that you were with her and the lies you told me to cover it.

I remember one day asking you if I could come over and see you. It was the day you told me not to do anything crazy, alluding to me being suicidal. I told you that I loved you, but that you weren’t worth that much. You said you were on your way to watch the hockey game with Aaron. Again, I believed you at the time, but I realize now that it was just a few days later you told me you that you hadn’t seen or talked to Aaron in a long time. BUSTED!

And the extra lock on the front door of your apartment…that was for YOUR privacy. Yeah right! That was so I wouldn’t walk in on the two of you. What an idiot I was!!! I already knew what her car looked like the one time that I did try to come in and the lock was in place. Why didn’t you just ask me for your key back? I guess maybe you felt like you couldn’t because I did have a right to be there…. Some of my stuff was being stored in your garage.

All of the times you avoided my phone calls; all of the times you were already busy when I invited you to do something. How pathetic and stupid was I? Am I?

It really was not the fact that I was needy… it was the fact that you were a liar and couldn’t tell me the truth…you wanted to screw around with someone else that was more the type of person that you wanted in your life. She was a drunk that could screw you the way you wanted her to, not just some Miss Priss that was trying to stay somewhat pure. Well I messed that up, but that was no one’s fault but my own. I know full well that it was my own weaknesses that I allowed to overwhelm me and give in to my own wants and lust.

I did learn many things from you, the biggest of which was that I am not as strong mentally as I thought I was. I always told myself I could resist “needs” but I know now that I will cave just like most everyone else.

I truly, truly want to hate you…in the truest sense of the word! As happy as you’ve made me, you’ve honestly made me twice as miserable but I must be a massochist because I keep hanging around for more pain.

I’m just glad that I have finally come to the realization that I am NOT in love with you. I do love you; I love you dearly, but I am not IN LOVE with you. Although I can’t find another man in the world that believes it, I am better than that and I deserve better than you. I deserve someone that truly appreciates me for what I have to offer him, even if it is just being needy and wanting to share everything and every moment with him.

I will give you this much, you are one of the best friends I have, but I just wish I could let go of whatever it is that keeps pulling me to you. I need to be able to distance myself from you and not feel so alone when I’m not with you or don’t have contact with you for an extended period of time. I want to shout to the universe “JUST LET ME GO!” But there is a gravitational pull that keeps me from leaving you completely… and the money has very little to do with it, although it is a part of it.

My heart still thuds when I hear from you. I get excited at the thought of seeing you, but I have to scold myself when I feel these things. I shouldn’t be feeling these things for you. You’re not mine and I can’t feel these things. I think of you far too often.

As much as I want to hate you, I still believe that you are a good man. You just have been dealt a raw deal in life and people have made you bitter. That bitterness is what makes it so hard for me to really want you anymore.

Isn't the Way I Thought It Would Be

Although I'm looking forward to moving to a new place, I can't help but look back on what I thought my life was going to be when I moved in here. I'm feeling rather melancholy about it.

When I moved in here in 4-1/2 years ago, I was seeing HIM and things were looking really pretty good. I was seriously thinking this was just a temporary stop on the way to a joint household once we were married. We shared some good times while I lived here. Not necessarily here, but there are some good memories associated with the time I've been here.

So, it is with a little bit of sadness that I gladly move on to (hopefully) better times and better things.

What would make it the best?

HE asked me if I was frustrated. My reply was "aren't I most days?!?!?!" He replied with "I thot your world was getting better." I asked him why he would think that. He told me that it was because I have a job I like, I'm moving to a new place, my debt is under control. I really couldn't respond. I told him that I agreed, my life is pretty good, but it's not the best.

His response to that was "What would make it the best?" I asked him if anyone was ever completely happy with their life. His response was that he is. He has everything he needs, including depressed/pissed friends." Again I couldn't respond. I finally told him that I knew things could be so much worse but that my life was OK. However, I did tell him that I know that I am in charge of my own destiny. He asked if I wanted to expound on it. I told him no. I said that this time I was going to keep things to myself.

I know I should be happy with what I have in my life right now. But there are SO MANY "things" that are missing from my life. The biggest, most important one is that special SOMEONE to love me for me. Someone to be there every time that I need them, not just when it's convenient for them. Someone to hold me in moments like this. Someone that shares my joys and my sorrows and doesn't feel that I'm smothering them because I want to be with him or in touch with him all of the time.

I'm glad he thinks he's happy with his life. That's what matters I guess, but I don't believe it. I've said it before. If he was truly happy with his life and has truly moved forward from what has happened, his bitterness would not come out like it does. He wouldn't let THOSE people get under his skin the way they do. He wouldn't be so quick to speak so evilly about them so easily.

I KNOW that I am far too forgiving of people. I am far too naive about the world. I have a much too Pollyanna-type outlook on life, but is that the reason I'm so very much alone? Is that the reason that no one special loves me? If that's the case I want to die. Why keep living if this is what life has in-store for me?

In the next life, I want to come back as a lying, conniving, evil bitch. From what I've seen and experienced they get everything they need and want.

It was there once

I've finally realized that you are not the one that I want to be my one and only. The reason for this is that I can't handle your negativity, and of course the fact that you don't feel the same.

But looking back at the beginning of our relationship, I see that it was there for both of us at one point. You were once as emotionally bound to me as I was to you. The prime example was the weekend that I went to New York. I felt so connected to you and I know what from you said to me in our phone calls that you felt very close and connected to me.

The day that you cried on the phone after telling me about your DUI, I know you cared and loved me. Or at least I think you did. It just hit me, that I think it was your fear coming out again. You were still in a fragile emotional and mental state at that time. I think now, that rather than feeling emotion toward me specifically, you were simply afraid that you had failed another person.

WOW! I'm glad I just wrote this. I've been romanticizing that day in my mind for 4-1/2 years now. Now I can wipe that away and know that it was more about you and your fears than it was about your feelings for me.

You never did have highly emotional feelings for me.

WOW! REALITY CHECK! What a rush.

Here I go again...

I've done pretty well for nearly a week... not teary, not depressed. But right now I'm falling to pieces.

I KNOW that he is not THE one for me, so why is it that I can not let him go or distance myself from him. It's because he's the only one I've ever had and I think I'm holding on to a dream of what could be.

We really have nothing in common and he irritates me to no end, but I want him there.

I Should Be Happy

I should be happy because I actually got to spend the afternoon and evening with Him. So, why is it that I couldn't wait to leave his place, felt sad all the way home and am sitting here with tears in my eyes?

Good Night...

... My love, who ever you may be... wherever you may be.

Things I've Never Heard...

... from that ONE person...

• You look beautiful (I'd even settle for pretty)
• I love you unconditionally
• You're all that I need in my life
• My life is nothing without you.
• Will you marry me?

Alone again....

... Naturally. So goes the song.

Although this is by no means the way I pictured my life, I'm realizing that living alone is not all bad...horribly lonesome yes, all bad, no.

I can do my own thing when I want. If I decide to have a crying fit, there's no one there to have to hide it from or try to make me feel better. I get to watch what I want to watch. I don't have to worry about anyone using my stuff with out asking. If I don't want to talk to anyone, I just don't answer the phone. There is no one hovering over me all the time.

Yep... alone again...naturally.

Complaints

Why is it that the person that seems to have the most to complain about is NOT the one that does the complaining?

People around me are always complaining...too much snow... too cold... incompetence... things aren't fair... so many things. I just can't stand it, but yet, I sit back and listen.

I HATE FEBRUARY!!!!!

I hate February!

1. Valentine's Day - No Valentine (Ever)
2. My Birthday - Yeah... so what

At least both of these are in the middle of the month so I don't have to endure the entire month waiting for the days. One week and they'll both be overwith.

Another reminder... as if I needed it...

... today was another huge reminder of why you and I were never truly meant to be any more than very good friends.

I am very sentimental. I like believing in the American Dream. I like seeing others happy. I like seeing others get special things, special help. I like the thought of being some one's Valentine. I like the idea of receiving gifts on that "pseudo-holiday." I like the idea of my special someone acknowledging my birthday from the moment I wake up and making me feel extraordinarily special all day. I like the idea of doing the same thing for my special someone, making them feel like the most important person in the world.

I like the idea of creating sappy, sweet, sentimental memories with that special someone and celebrating special dates...even the most insignificant ones.

Although my heart aches horrendously every day because of the things I've never been able to experience, it aches as much for you because life has turned you so horribly, awfully bitter. It hurts because you can not truly find joy or happiness in much of anything.

I love you my friend... but that is all you are and sadly for me, all you ever will be.

Happy Valentine's Day.

FEELING PATHETIC

Last week I began listening to TWILIGHT on my iPod. I am hooked. However, I have to say that I am feeling very pathetic. For those that have read it, think of chapter 13, CONFESSIONS. For those that have not, this is the chapter that was inspired by a dream that the authoress had and inspired the series.

I'm pathetic because I cried! I was feeling so lonely and unloved while listening to that (and have tears in my eyes now just recalling the feelings), that I cried.

I've already been through the book once. I didn't have the second one loaded on my iPod yet and didn't want to just listen to music, so I started over. This time I made a point of taking my lunch break, going to my car and restarting that chapter. My eyes were full of tears through the whole chapter.

I hate my life. I have nothing to compare this to. Well, I might have had once, but I don't anymore. Very sad...

Happy? Sad?

I heard some news today and I'm not sure it is making me happy or sad.

My sister, moved back home about a year ago. She brought her wonderful little boy with her but left her husband. He didn't want to leave his home town. They never divorced. That was never the plan. She just wasn't happy there and decided she needed to be away from there and try things back home.

She told me today that she and her little boy are going back to be with her husband. I'm very happy for them. They need to be a family. Her little boy needs to be with his Daddy. She needs to be with her husband.

I'm sad because I'll miss them. They'll be 4 hours away and I won't get to see them whenever I feel like dropping in.

This is what needs to be, but I know it's making my Mom so sad.

It's just hard and why does life have to be so hard all of the time.

My Book

I can't post my true feelings on Facebook because there are too many family members on there. This is going to be my alternative Facebook.

Feeling really crappy! Hating life and wishing that it would just end. I won't end it myself, but I wish it would end. I'm tired of always feeling this way.

It's pretty silly if you ask me.

I'm feeling very sad tonight and the reason for this sadness is actually pretty silly.

My "good friend" started moving to his new place today and he didn't ask me for help. I should be happy. I've helped move before and it's a pain in the butt. Instead, I feel like it is another nail in the coffin of our friendship.

There was a time when I would have been the first one he would have called to help him. That just doesn't happen at all anymore.

I'm feeling very unneeded and unloved.

To top it all off, he moved his stuff out of the storage unit we were sharing. It means now that the only tie we have to each other is the money that I owe him and I hate that!

Like I said, it's pretty silly, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Just once...

There is someone around me that, just once I would like to hear say something like "WOW! I feel great!" or at least good! Every day all we hear is "I'm exhausted" or "I'm worn out" or "I feel like I've been run over by a truck"

As I've said before... I'm not the most positive person, but good grief...

This says it all

I was searching STATUS SHUFFLE on Facebook and WOW... look what I found:

• I have realized that no matter what u do to me ,no matter how many times i say its the last i always let u back into my life to do the same again...
  
• Why does it hurt so much? after days, weeks and months of you not being there, why am i sitting here with a hole in my heart and tears falling down my cheek?
  
• everyone deserves to find happiness, and sometimes that means someone has to get hurt... unfortunately that person is me this time (all of the time!)
  
• Forget who hurt you yesterday, But don't forget who loves you tenderly today.
  
• Yea its true ... I do love you ... and i do want to be more than friends ... but you wont let it happen ... why is that ... you know we would be good together
  
• Everyone is always asking me whats wrong... but i don't even think it makes any sense, its just... my heart hurts
  
• I get over you, then I see you again. I try to ignore you so I don't fall for you again, but then you smile and those feelings come flooding back!
  
• if you and i never become an us i want to be your biggest regret.
  
• A flower without a stem, is beauty waiting to die. A heart without love, is a tear waiting to cry.
  
• I don't want to fall asleep, bc I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to dream bc I'll dream of you. I don't want to dream of you, bc I know it'll never come true.
  
• I'd like to say i don't miss you and I'm doing fine without you and every time i hear your name my heat doesn't jump. But unlike you,i don't lie.
  
• once upon a time i was falling in love, now I'm falling apart. There's nothing left to say, but you were a waste of my heart
  
• No, you didn't break my heart. Honey, you completely destroyed it.
  
• It's hard waiting for someone that isn't looking for you.
  
• I'm going to sue Walt Disney for making her think that Prince Charming actually exists! :(
  
• If I could give u all the stars in the sky I would. If I could give u everything u ever wanted I would. If I could give u all the love I have I would, and I did
  
• You said you wanted to be friends and i agreed it was best for you, but now i don't know if ill be able to, memories keep popping up and wont let me...
  
• Is starting to think that men are really not worth the time of day for love.Just wishes for one to show me that they are
  
• doesn't know how to describe whats she's feeling, I've got my friends and yet i cant help feeling I'm alone..
  
• Has to stop fighting for something I will never have

Damn! This could go on for days.... but here's the last one for now...

• I've accepted that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life.

Why?

I can't understand people. I am not the most positive person, but I can't stand all of the negative people around me. Everywhere I turn I hear nothing but negative comments around me. People don't like their jobs, people don't think the "system" is fair, people think that EVERYTHING is out to get them. I guess I'm just too complacent and just have my head in the sand.

I blew it!

I just blew my resolution and now I remember vividly why I made it in the first place.

Sit down, shut up, do my job and don't get involved in the things around me. Don't vent your frustrations to co-workers.

Very different work ethics around here and ideas of what should and should not be happening.

Let's try this again... starting over... see how long it lasts this time.

I was a dreamer

I used to dream big. I dreamed about what my life would be like. I dreamed about growing up and getting a great job. I dreamed about having everything I wanted and needed. I dreamed that I would be happily married and be a fantastic Mom (after all, I’ve always had a way with kids). I dreamed of my “family” and I attending many functions with family, friends, etc.

As of today, I’ve stopped dreaming. I can’t let my mind be clouded with these stupid, useless fantasies. I don’t know what will take their place, but dreaming, and realizing that they will NEVER come true is just more than I can take anymore. Forty-eight years of being alone has made me realize that for I’m just not meant to ever have the happiness that most everyone around me experiences or has experienced.

I will no longer let myself become totally wrapped up in other people and what is going on in their lives. I will no longer allow myself to be concerned with why people do not want to be involved with me anymore. They’ve cut me off from their lives so why should I care.

I’ve shed far too many tears in my life time. I shed tears for others and I’ve shed tears for myself. It’s time for me to stop. It’s time for me to turn off my emotions and compassion. Where have they gotten me? Hurt, tearful and feeling used.

To all those that may know me, outside of my family, consider this your release to stop thinking you may owe me something or that I am expecting anything from you. No one owes me a thing. I don’t want anything from anyone. I’m on my own. I have finally come to realize that. “Rely only on yourself.” That’s my motto from this day forward. And I’m only excluding my family because that’s what they are… family and they have to care. Lucky you.

Consider this my goodbye to all of you.

Too much

I've invested way too much time, effort and emotion in "you." For the last however many years, you have been a large focus in my life and what has it gotten me? Tears (way too many tears), headaches, heartaches, sick stomach, hurt feelings and way too much anger.

NO MORE! I'm thankful to you for what you've done for me, but enough is enough. At this point I'm ready for there to just be the one large issue between us. I wish I could resolve that immediately, but I will continue on the same path and take care of the rest as soon as possible.

As for the rest of whatever our relationship might be, it's up to you, but don't expect me to be at your beck and call every moment of every day anymore. That was the mistake I made from the beginning and now it is a very painful regret. I made you the primary focus in my life and now I'm paying the price for because it was never equally reciprocated.

I've tried to change your outlook on life and change your negative attitude, but it's true what is said, that you just can't change a person. I am really tired of your horribly negative and hateful attitude. I have seen you be a happy person, but you let the bad just eat away at you. It makes you a hard person to be around anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I will always love you. For whatever reason, you've wormed your way into my heart and once there it's hard to escape. But as they say, if you love someone, set them free. To quote YOU, "FLY YOU ARE FREE!"

Take care my friend and I hope to see you around from time to time.

Yes... as a matter of fact I am!

In case anyone is wondering, YES, I am trying to turn myself into a cold, heartless, uncaring bitch. I'm tired of getting my feelings tromped on and trashed. It seems to me that the nicer someone tries to be the more they get hurt. So here's to the new me! BITE ME!

Where should I live?

I've been thinking seriously for quite a while now about trying to buy a place of my own again. There is one major thing standing in my way. NO MONEY SAVED for down payment and closing costs.

That's a major issue. However, recently I've come to realize that I may be better off renting. The reason I say this, is because I have no one to depend on for repairs and such should the need arise. My Dad is getting older. He can still do a lot, but he's 70 years old and his body just doesn't take the beatings anymore. If I had to have something physically demanding done I wouldn't want to put that on him.

I had a friend that, at one time, I would have depended on to help me out, but I'm trying very hard to sever ties as much as possible. It's a complicated relationship and I just need to remove myself from it as much as possible. I can't do it completely because I got myself in a financial mess and he helped bail me out. I am paying him back slowly, but I'd have to clean out an retirement account to pay him off. So, I continue to make bi-weekly payments and slowly but surely am paying back the money I owe him.

As I said, I think I would be better off to continue to rent so that someone else would be responsible for maintenance and repairs of my dwelling. I don't know... I'll keep shooting for my personal goal (50 years old) and see what happens by then.

As for now... I'm going to move in a few months. I need a change of scenery and a new home. We'll see where I end up. Maybe that will help me clear my head and heart.

New Year 2010 - Resolutions

I only have one resolution this year:

I will not get so involved with things that do not concern me.

Along those same lines, I am going to try to not care so much about the things going on around me. I'm not going to comment on everyone's Facebook postings. I'm not going to feel that I need to write an email to everyone with whom I have not been in touch recently. I'm going to resist the urge to share everything with "someone."

I've gotten myself so wrapped up in others that I've just opened myself up for hurt and I'm sick of it. I'm going into hermit mode. I think that will be the best thing for me.