I heard some news today and I'm not sure it is making me happy or sad.
My sister, moved back home about a year ago. She brought her wonderful little boy with her but left her husband. He didn't want to leave his home town. They never divorced. That was never the plan. She just wasn't happy there and decided she needed to be away from there and try things back home.
She told me today that she and her little boy are going back to be with her husband. I'm very happy for them. They need to be a family. Her little boy needs to be with his Daddy. She needs to be with her husband.
I'm sad because I'll miss them. They'll be 4 hours away and I won't get to see them whenever I feel like dropping in.
This is what needs to be, but I know it's making my Mom so sad.
It's just hard and why does life have to be so hard all of the time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
My Book
I can't post my true feelings on Facebook because there are too many family members on there. This is going to be my alternative Facebook.
Feeling really crappy! Hating life and wishing that it would just end. I won't end it myself, but I wish it would end. I'm tired of always feeling this way.
Feeling really crappy! Hating life and wishing that it would just end. I won't end it myself, but I wish it would end. I'm tired of always feeling this way.
It's pretty silly if you ask me.
I'm feeling very sad tonight and the reason for this sadness is actually pretty silly.
My "good friend" started moving to his new place today and he didn't ask me for help. I should be happy. I've helped move before and it's a pain in the butt. Instead, I feel like it is another nail in the coffin of our friendship.
There was a time when I would have been the first one he would have called to help him. That just doesn't happen at all anymore.
I'm feeling very unneeded and unloved.
To top it all off, he moved his stuff out of the storage unit we were sharing. It means now that the only tie we have to each other is the money that I owe him and I hate that!
Like I said, it's pretty silly, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
My "good friend" started moving to his new place today and he didn't ask me for help. I should be happy. I've helped move before and it's a pain in the butt. Instead, I feel like it is another nail in the coffin of our friendship.
There was a time when I would have been the first one he would have called to help him. That just doesn't happen at all anymore.
I'm feeling very unneeded and unloved.
To top it all off, he moved his stuff out of the storage unit we were sharing. It means now that the only tie we have to each other is the money that I owe him and I hate that!
Like I said, it's pretty silly, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Just once...
There is someone around me that, just once I would like to hear say something like "WOW! I feel great!" or at least good! Every day all we hear is "I'm exhausted" or "I'm worn out" or "I feel like I've been run over by a truck"
As I've said before... I'm not the most positive person, but good grief...
As I've said before... I'm not the most positive person, but good grief...
This says it all
I was searching STATUS SHUFFLE on Facebook and WOW... look what I found:
- I have realized that no matter what u do to me ,no matter how many times i say its the last i always let u back into my life to do the same again...
- Why does it hurt so much? after days, weeks and months of you not being there, why am i sitting here with a hole in my heart and tears falling down my cheek?
- everyone deserves to find happiness, and sometimes that means someone has to get hurt... unfortunately that person is me this time (all of the time!)
- Forget who hurt you yesterday, But don't forget who loves you tenderly today.
- Yea its true ... I do love you ... and i do want to be more than friends ... but you wont let it happen ... why is that ... you know we would be good together
- Everyone is always asking me whats wrong... but i don't even think it makes any sense, its just... my heart hurts
- I get over you, then I see you again. I try to ignore you so I don't fall for you again, but then you smile and those feelings come flooding back!
- if you and i never become an us i want to be your biggest regret.
- A flower without a stem, is beauty waiting to die. A heart without love, is a tear waiting to cry.
- I don't want to fall asleep, bc I'm afraid to dream. I'm afraid to dream bc I'll dream of you. I don't want to dream of you, bc I know it'll never come true.
- I'd like to say i don't miss you and I'm doing fine without you and every time i hear your name my heat doesn't jump. But unlike you,i don't lie.
- once upon a time i was falling in love, now I'm falling apart. There's nothing left to say, but you were a waste of my heart
- No, you didn't break my heart. Honey, you completely destroyed it.
- It's hard waiting for someone that isn't looking for you.
- I'm going to sue Walt Disney for making her think that Prince Charming actually exists! :(
- If I could give u all the stars in the sky I would. If I could give u everything u ever wanted I would. If I could give u all the love I have I would, and I did
- You said you wanted to be friends and i agreed it was best for you, but now i don't know if ill be able to, memories keep popping up and wont let me...
- Is starting to think that men are really not worth the time of day for love.Just wishes for one to show me that they are
- doesn't know how to describe whats she's feeling, I've got my friends and yet i cant help feeling I'm alone..
- Has to stop fighting for something I will never have
Damn! This could go on for days.... but here's the last one for now...
- I've accepted that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Why?
I can't understand people. I am not the most positive person, but I can't stand all of the negative people around me. Everywhere I turn I hear nothing but negative comments around me. People don't like their jobs, people don't think the "system" is fair, people think that EVERYTHING is out to get them. I guess I'm just too complacent and just have my head in the sand.
I blew it!
I just blew my resolution and now I remember vividly why I made it in the first place.
Sit down, shut up, do my job and don't get involved in the things around me. Don't vent your frustrations to co-workers.
Very different work ethics around here and ideas of what should and should not be happening.
Let's try this again... starting over... see how long it lasts this time.
Sit down, shut up, do my job and don't get involved in the things around me. Don't vent your frustrations to co-workers.
Very different work ethics around here and ideas of what should and should not be happening.
Let's try this again... starting over... see how long it lasts this time.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I was a dreamer
I used to dream big. I dreamed about what my life would be like. I dreamed about growing up and getting a great job. I dreamed about having everything I wanted and needed. I dreamed that I would be happily married and be a fantastic Mom (after all, I’ve always had a way with kids). I dreamed of my “family” and I attending many functions with family, friends, etc.
As of today, I’ve stopped dreaming. I can’t let my mind be clouded with these stupid, useless fantasies. I don’t know what will take their place, but dreaming, and realizing that they will NEVER come true is just more than I can take anymore. Forty-eight years of being alone has made me realize that for I’m just not meant to ever have the happiness that most everyone around me experiences or has experienced.
I will no longer let myself become totally wrapped up in other people and what is going on in their lives. I will no longer allow myself to be concerned with why people do not want to be involved with me anymore. They’ve cut me off from their lives so why should I care.
I’ve shed far too many tears in my life time. I shed tears for others and I’ve shed tears for myself. It’s time for me to stop. It’s time for me to turn off my emotions and compassion. Where have they gotten me? Hurt, tearful and feeling used.
To all those that may know me, outside of my family, consider this your release to stop thinking you may owe me something or that I am expecting anything from you. No one owes me a thing. I don’t want anything from anyone. I’m on my own. I have finally come to realize that. “Rely only on yourself.” That’s my motto from this day forward. And I’m only excluding my family because that’s what they are… family and they have to care. Lucky you.
Consider this my goodbye to all of you.
As of today, I’ve stopped dreaming. I can’t let my mind be clouded with these stupid, useless fantasies. I don’t know what will take their place, but dreaming, and realizing that they will NEVER come true is just more than I can take anymore. Forty-eight years of being alone has made me realize that for I’m just not meant to ever have the happiness that most everyone around me experiences or has experienced.
I will no longer let myself become totally wrapped up in other people and what is going on in their lives. I will no longer allow myself to be concerned with why people do not want to be involved with me anymore. They’ve cut me off from their lives so why should I care.
I’ve shed far too many tears in my life time. I shed tears for others and I’ve shed tears for myself. It’s time for me to stop. It’s time for me to turn off my emotions and compassion. Where have they gotten me? Hurt, tearful and feeling used.
To all those that may know me, outside of my family, consider this your release to stop thinking you may owe me something or that I am expecting anything from you. No one owes me a thing. I don’t want anything from anyone. I’m on my own. I have finally come to realize that. “Rely only on yourself.” That’s my motto from this day forward. And I’m only excluding my family because that’s what they are… family and they have to care. Lucky you.
Consider this my goodbye to all of you.
Too much
I've invested way too much time, effort and emotion in "you." For the last however many years, you have been a large focus in my life and what has it gotten me? Tears (way too many tears), headaches, heartaches, sick stomach, hurt feelings and way too much anger.
NO MORE! I'm thankful to you for what you've done for me, but enough is enough. At this point I'm ready for there to just be the one large issue between us. I wish I could resolve that immediately, but I will continue on the same path and take care of the rest as soon as possible.
As for the rest of whatever our relationship might be, it's up to you, but don't expect me to be at your beck and call every moment of every day anymore. That was the mistake I made from the beginning and now it is a very painful regret. I made you the primary focus in my life and now I'm paying the price for because it was never equally reciprocated.
I've tried to change your outlook on life and change your negative attitude, but it's true what is said, that you just can't change a person. I am really tired of your horribly negative and hateful attitude. I have seen you be a happy person, but you let the bad just eat away at you. It makes you a hard person to be around anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I will always love you. For whatever reason, you've wormed your way into my heart and once there it's hard to escape. But as they say, if you love someone, set them free. To quote YOU, "FLY YOU ARE FREE!"
Take care my friend and I hope to see you around from time to time.
NO MORE! I'm thankful to you for what you've done for me, but enough is enough. At this point I'm ready for there to just be the one large issue between us. I wish I could resolve that immediately, but I will continue on the same path and take care of the rest as soon as possible.
As for the rest of whatever our relationship might be, it's up to you, but don't expect me to be at your beck and call every moment of every day anymore. That was the mistake I made from the beginning and now it is a very painful regret. I made you the primary focus in my life and now I'm paying the price for because it was never equally reciprocated.
I've tried to change your outlook on life and change your negative attitude, but it's true what is said, that you just can't change a person. I am really tired of your horribly negative and hateful attitude. I have seen you be a happy person, but you let the bad just eat away at you. It makes you a hard person to be around anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I will always love you. For whatever reason, you've wormed your way into my heart and once there it's hard to escape. But as they say, if you love someone, set them free. To quote YOU, "FLY YOU ARE FREE!"
Take care my friend and I hope to see you around from time to time.
Yes... as a matter of fact I am!
In case anyone is wondering, YES, I am trying to turn myself into a cold, heartless, uncaring bitch. I'm tired of getting my feelings tromped on and trashed. It seems to me that the nicer someone tries to be the more they get hurt. So here's to the new me! BITE ME!
Where should I live?
I've been thinking seriously for quite a while now about trying to buy a place of my own again. There is one major thing standing in my way. NO MONEY SAVED for down payment and closing costs.
That's a major issue. However, recently I've come to realize that I may be better off renting. The reason I say this, is because I have no one to depend on for repairs and such should the need arise. My Dad is getting older. He can still do a lot, but he's 70 years old and his body just doesn't take the beatings anymore. If I had to have something physically demanding done I wouldn't want to put that on him.
I had a friend that, at one time, I would have depended on to help me out, but I'm trying very hard to sever ties as much as possible. It's a complicated relationship and I just need to remove myself from it as much as possible. I can't do it completely because I got myself in a financial mess and he helped bail me out. I am paying him back slowly, but I'd have to clean out an retirement account to pay him off. So, I continue to make bi-weekly payments and slowly but surely am paying back the money I owe him.
As I said, I think I would be better off to continue to rent so that someone else would be responsible for maintenance and repairs of my dwelling. I don't know... I'll keep shooting for my personal goal (50 years old) and see what happens by then.
As for now... I'm going to move in a few months. I need a change of scenery and a new home. We'll see where I end up. Maybe that will help me clear my head and heart.
That's a major issue. However, recently I've come to realize that I may be better off renting. The reason I say this, is because I have no one to depend on for repairs and such should the need arise. My Dad is getting older. He can still do a lot, but he's 70 years old and his body just doesn't take the beatings anymore. If I had to have something physically demanding done I wouldn't want to put that on him.
I had a friend that, at one time, I would have depended on to help me out, but I'm trying very hard to sever ties as much as possible. It's a complicated relationship and I just need to remove myself from it as much as possible. I can't do it completely because I got myself in a financial mess and he helped bail me out. I am paying him back slowly, but I'd have to clean out an retirement account to pay him off. So, I continue to make bi-weekly payments and slowly but surely am paying back the money I owe him.
As I said, I think I would be better off to continue to rent so that someone else would be responsible for maintenance and repairs of my dwelling. I don't know... I'll keep shooting for my personal goal (50 years old) and see what happens by then.
As for now... I'm going to move in a few months. I need a change of scenery and a new home. We'll see where I end up. Maybe that will help me clear my head and heart.
New Year 2010 - Resolutions
I only have one resolution this year:
I will not get so involved with things that do not concern me.
Along those same lines, I am going to try to not care so much about the things going on around me. I'm not going to comment on everyone's Facebook postings. I'm not going to feel that I need to write an email to everyone with whom I have not been in touch recently. I'm going to resist the urge to share everything with "someone."
I've gotten myself so wrapped up in others that I've just opened myself up for hurt and I'm sick of it. I'm going into hermit mode. I think that will be the best thing for me.
I will not get so involved with things that do not concern me.
Along those same lines, I am going to try to not care so much about the things going on around me. I'm not going to comment on everyone's Facebook postings. I'm not going to feel that I need to write an email to everyone with whom I have not been in touch recently. I'm going to resist the urge to share everything with "someone."
I've gotten myself so wrapped up in others that I've just opened myself up for hurt and I'm sick of it. I'm going into hermit mode. I think that will be the best thing for me.
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