I was a dreamer

I used to dream big. I dreamed about what my life would be like. I dreamed about growing up and getting a great job. I dreamed about having everything I wanted and needed. I dreamed that I would be happily married and be a fantastic Mom (after all, I’ve always had a way with kids). I dreamed of my “family” and I attending many functions with family, friends, etc.

As of today, I’ve stopped dreaming. I can’t let my mind be clouded with these stupid, useless fantasies. I don’t know what will take their place, but dreaming, and realizing that they will NEVER come true is just more than I can take anymore. Forty-eight years of being alone has made me realize that for I’m just not meant to ever have the happiness that most everyone around me experiences or has experienced.

I will no longer let myself become totally wrapped up in other people and what is going on in their lives. I will no longer allow myself to be concerned with why people do not want to be involved with me anymore. They’ve cut me off from their lives so why should I care.

I’ve shed far too many tears in my life time. I shed tears for others and I’ve shed tears for myself. It’s time for me to stop. It’s time for me to turn off my emotions and compassion. Where have they gotten me? Hurt, tearful and feeling used.

To all those that may know me, outside of my family, consider this your release to stop thinking you may owe me something or that I am expecting anything from you. No one owes me a thing. I don’t want anything from anyone. I’m on my own. I have finally come to realize that. “Rely only on yourself.” That’s my motto from this day forward. And I’m only excluding my family because that’s what they are… family and they have to care. Lucky you.

Consider this my goodbye to all of you.