I have suddenly come to a stark realization... I'm not good enough.
Not good enough to be anyone's one and only love;
Not good enough to be anyone's friends for life;
Not good enough to be the most important person in anyone's life...
The man that claims that he loves me and tells me he can't get through life without me, runs off to be with another woman overnight. I'm not supposed to care. He spends hundreds of dollars to call her on a very regular basis, and I'm not supposed to care. I'm not good enough to be a roommate, but not good enough to marry and fully commit to.
I have friends, but I really don't have any "besties." I'm not good enough to be clued in to what is going on in anyone's life unless I just happen to talk to them.
I see stories and pictures of people off spending time with groups of friends. People they have done nearly everything with for their entire lives. I have NO ONE like that. Even my "love" doesn't like to do the majority of what I like to do.
Even my "professional" life sucks! I'm good enough on a short term basis, but when things are tough, I get the boot.
The bottom line is...I'M AN IDIOT! I don't know when to walk away. I would rather stick around and be disrespected and made a fool of over and over than to stand up for myself.
I guess I deserve what I get.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Friday, August 8, 2014
Life Definitely is NOT Easy
As the saying goes "God said, I never said it would be easy... I only said it would be worth it." Well, the way I feel anymore, existence on "the other side" is going to be spectacular!!!!
Life just should not be this hard or hurt so much. I don't even know where to start with the list of what I'm feeling right now.
1. Right now the number one thing bothering me is birthdays and how people choose to recognize or ignore them. Today is my sister's birthday. Her husband isn't very thoughtful when it comes to gifts and remembering birthdays. He didn't take their son out shopping to get something for his Mom for her birthday. All he did was on his way to the gym, stopped, ordered 3 roses and had them delivered to the house. They've had this "fight" before. So, now not only is she hurt and disappointed, AGAIN, but my folks are pissed at him as well. I'm sitting here wanting to feel badly for her but I also feel badly for him. I KNOW what my sister is like and I know how miserable things can be and probably are for him right now. I want to tell my sister to "Suck it up Babe. Welcome to my reality. You don't always get what you think you should not matter what kind of fit you throw. This has been my world all of my life."
2.
Life just should not be this hard or hurt so much. I don't even know where to start with the list of what I'm feeling right now.
1. Right now the number one thing bothering me is birthdays and how people choose to recognize or ignore them. Today is my sister's birthday. Her husband isn't very thoughtful when it comes to gifts and remembering birthdays. He didn't take their son out shopping to get something for his Mom for her birthday. All he did was on his way to the gym, stopped, ordered 3 roses and had them delivered to the house. They've had this "fight" before. So, now not only is she hurt and disappointed, AGAIN, but my folks are pissed at him as well. I'm sitting here wanting to feel badly for her but I also feel badly for him. I KNOW what my sister is like and I know how miserable things can be and probably are for him right now. I want to tell my sister to "Suck it up Babe. Welcome to my reality. You don't always get what you think you should not matter what kind of fit you throw. This has been my world all of my life."
2.
Life just doesn't change
I just need a break... in so many ways.
- Gary needs to find a job. Him being home all day with little or no income is getting to me. I'm feeling a huge amount of stress.
- I need time to myself... alone... away from everyone! For more than a few hours!!!!
- I'm not good at making joint decisions. I want to buy a new computer. I hate having to "make reservations" to use the computer. But when I say I'm thinking of getting a laptop he shoots me down.
- I want to be able to do what I want when I want and that includes spending money!
- I don't know what I'm going to do about myself, my weight and my health. I have no determination or will-power.
- I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT DO TO WITH MY LIFE OR WHERE I'M GOING!!!!!!
Monday, July 1, 2013
I Hate Days Like This...
Days like today really suck. Every time I turn around I'm annoyed by something and I'm continually thinking of what I don't have, what I haven't gotten to do, or what I'm not going to get to do.
Here's what getting me right now...
1. I don't have a group of friends to go places with. Here's what I mean: On an episode of Pioneer Woman that I've seen a few times, she has a group of women that she went to school with. Every year they all get together for the weekend and have fun together. I don't have that. Another example: And this is why Facebook sucks - I saw that a some of the ladies I know got together (they all grew up together in a small town) and went on a trip to Nashville together. I would love to do that. The third example: One of my friends just attended an annual weekend trip with some ladies that she used to work with. They've done this for years and have a great time. I don't have that.
2. I'm tired of being overlooked or taken for granted. Here's what I mean by this: I feel like I'm not truly important to anyone...yes... Him included. This is going to sound petty and stupid to most people, but try to see it through my eyes. It's stupid things like the fact that my sister and brother-in-law got a puppy and surprised my nephew with it. How did I find out about it? Like the rest of her world... through a Facebook picture. How often do I talk to my sister? I don't know... let me check MY phone records and see when I called her. How do I hear about what's going on in their lives? Through my mom IF she remembers to tell me about it.
3. I can't share what makes me happy with anyone. He doesn't like kids. He doesn't like holidays. He doesn't like parties. He doesn't like so many of the things like I like. So why am I so drawn to him. This sounds horrible, but I think it's because I'm 51 years old and he's the only man that has ever loved me for me. I just feel like I give and give and give and I have to suppress what I need and/or want. I'm to the point where, although I want him with me at parties and holiday events, it's just easier to go back to doing these things alone. Then I don't have to worry about how miserable he is at the event.
There is so much I could go on about. I just don't have the words to say it all and I already have tears in my eyes. I really don't want to sit here at my desk and cry all day.
Here's what getting me right now...
1. I don't have a group of friends to go places with. Here's what I mean: On an episode of Pioneer Woman that I've seen a few times, she has a group of women that she went to school with. Every year they all get together for the weekend and have fun together. I don't have that. Another example: And this is why Facebook sucks - I saw that a some of the ladies I know got together (they all grew up together in a small town) and went on a trip to Nashville together. I would love to do that. The third example: One of my friends just attended an annual weekend trip with some ladies that she used to work with. They've done this for years and have a great time. I don't have that.
2. I'm tired of being overlooked or taken for granted. Here's what I mean by this: I feel like I'm not truly important to anyone...yes... Him included. This is going to sound petty and stupid to most people, but try to see it through my eyes. It's stupid things like the fact that my sister and brother-in-law got a puppy and surprised my nephew with it. How did I find out about it? Like the rest of her world... through a Facebook picture. How often do I talk to my sister? I don't know... let me check MY phone records and see when I called her. How do I hear about what's going on in their lives? Through my mom IF she remembers to tell me about it.
3. I can't share what makes me happy with anyone. He doesn't like kids. He doesn't like holidays. He doesn't like parties. He doesn't like so many of the things like I like. So why am I so drawn to him. This sounds horrible, but I think it's because I'm 51 years old and he's the only man that has ever loved me for me. I just feel like I give and give and give and I have to suppress what I need and/or want. I'm to the point where, although I want him with me at parties and holiday events, it's just easier to go back to doing these things alone. Then I don't have to worry about how miserable he is at the event.
There is so much I could go on about. I just don't have the words to say it all and I already have tears in my eyes. I really don't want to sit here at my desk and cry all day.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I Thought YESTERDAY was National "This Sucks" Day
The way I feel today, that attitude has carried over into today.
I feel like shit. No... I'm not feeling sick, I just feel like I don't matter... anywhere! And I'm feeling the hurt today.
In my family, I don't feel like I'm important enough to be kept in the loop on things. I never hear anything first hand from my sister about her family. I only ever hear it from my Mom and sometimes I only ever learn about it on Facebook or some other impersonal way.
With my S.O., he loves me (or so he says) but I feel like I'm not important enough to really make a commitment to me. He's still so hung up on his past life, that he won't let it go and give a life of us truly together a shot. I thought for a while that I was OK with the amount of commitment he was willing to give, but I'm seeing now that feels like a lack of respect for me and our relationship.
At work, I feel like I'm really insignificant and almost useless. I know this isn't true because there are things that I do that one else does, but somebody could learn if they needed to. I'm included but not included. I'm expected to know about things, but no one thinks it's necessary to include me on the front end. I'm just expected to be able to give them the information they're looking for.
I am so frustrated right now and generally I'm quite happy with my job. I just feel like I have in so many places...I feel good and then I get the slats knocked out from underneath my feet. It's like I getting to acting to cocky and something happens to put me back in my place.
I guess I'm just feeling very unappreciated these days. I work hard, love my family and friends. I would do anything for anyone but I don't feel like I get as much as I put into things. I know that is a very selfish approach, but dammit, I think that sometimes I'm allowed to feel selfish. And so what. No one that really matters will ever see this anyway.
It's really just a big pity party today.
I feel like shit. No... I'm not feeling sick, I just feel like I don't matter... anywhere! And I'm feeling the hurt today.
In my family, I don't feel like I'm important enough to be kept in the loop on things. I never hear anything first hand from my sister about her family. I only ever hear it from my Mom and sometimes I only ever learn about it on Facebook or some other impersonal way.
With my S.O., he loves me (or so he says) but I feel like I'm not important enough to really make a commitment to me. He's still so hung up on his past life, that he won't let it go and give a life of us truly together a shot. I thought for a while that I was OK with the amount of commitment he was willing to give, but I'm seeing now that feels like a lack of respect for me and our relationship.
At work, I feel like I'm really insignificant and almost useless. I know this isn't true because there are things that I do that one else does, but somebody could learn if they needed to. I'm included but not included. I'm expected to know about things, but no one thinks it's necessary to include me on the front end. I'm just expected to be able to give them the information they're looking for.
I am so frustrated right now and generally I'm quite happy with my job. I just feel like I have in so many places...I feel good and then I get the slats knocked out from underneath my feet. It's like I getting to acting to cocky and something happens to put me back in my place.
I guess I'm just feeling very unappreciated these days. I work hard, love my family and friends. I would do anything for anyone but I don't feel like I get as much as I put into things. I know that is a very selfish approach, but dammit, I think that sometimes I'm allowed to feel selfish. And so what. No one that really matters will ever see this anyway.
It's really just a big pity party today.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
What an Idiot!
So how do you deal with someone that acts like a total idiot when something goes wrong? S.O. runs around the house for 3 hours cussing, and throwing a tantrum when something goes wrong. Then when I call him on it I'm told to just shut up cuz it's not directed at me but he continues to rant and yell.
I want to just kick him in the teeth and tell him he's a freakin' asshole!
I want to just kick him in the teeth and tell him he's a freakin' asshole!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
February Funk
Oh joy.... the annual mid-February funk has set in with a vengeance this morning.
Most people would think this would be my favorite week of the year, but it has become, over time, the most hated week of the year.
February 14... we all know what day that is. Valentine's Day... UGH! I have someone in my life that I would like to call my Valentine, but he doesn't do that kind of stuff. So, nothing special for me about this day. This year I didn't even get a Valentine in the mail from my favorite little man. Got some email pictures, but just not the same.
Then 3 days later, February 17, my birthday. So what...Mr. S.O. doesn't do that kind of thing either. Thankfully I have my friends and family that will acknowledge the day, but nothing special from that special someone. I love him but sometimes I definitely wonder why I stay with him.
One good thing this year is that I do get an extra day off this weekend for Presidents' day. Wish I could afford to run away or something. Maybe I'll just hide in a cave and sleep all day.
Most people would think this would be my favorite week of the year, but it has become, over time, the most hated week of the year.
February 14... we all know what day that is. Valentine's Day... UGH! I have someone in my life that I would like to call my Valentine, but he doesn't do that kind of stuff. So, nothing special for me about this day. This year I didn't even get a Valentine in the mail from my favorite little man. Got some email pictures, but just not the same.
Then 3 days later, February 17, my birthday. So what...Mr. S.O. doesn't do that kind of thing either. Thankfully I have my friends and family that will acknowledge the day, but nothing special from that special someone. I love him but sometimes I definitely wonder why I stay with him.
One good thing this year is that I do get an extra day off this weekend for Presidents' day. Wish I could afford to run away or something. Maybe I'll just hide in a cave and sleep all day.
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