I Should Be Happy

I should be happy because I actually got to spend the afternoon and evening with Him. So, why is it that I couldn't wait to leave his place, felt sad all the way home and am sitting here with tears in my eyes?

Good Night...

... My love, who ever you may be... wherever you may be.

Things I've Never Heard...

... from that ONE person...

• You look beautiful (I'd even settle for pretty)
• I love you unconditionally
• You're all that I need in my life
• My life is nothing without you.
• Will you marry me?

Alone again....

... Naturally. So goes the song.

Although this is by no means the way I pictured my life, I'm realizing that living alone is not all bad...horribly lonesome yes, all bad, no.

I can do my own thing when I want. If I decide to have a crying fit, there's no one there to have to hide it from or try to make me feel better. I get to watch what I want to watch. I don't have to worry about anyone using my stuff with out asking. If I don't want to talk to anyone, I just don't answer the phone. There is no one hovering over me all the time.

Yep... alone again...naturally.

Complaints

Why is it that the person that seems to have the most to complain about is NOT the one that does the complaining?

People around me are always complaining...too much snow... too cold... incompetence... things aren't fair... so many things. I just can't stand it, but yet, I sit back and listen.

I HATE FEBRUARY!!!!!

I hate February!

1. Valentine's Day - No Valentine (Ever)
2. My Birthday - Yeah... so what

At least both of these are in the middle of the month so I don't have to endure the entire month waiting for the days. One week and they'll both be overwith.

Another reminder... as if I needed it...

... today was another huge reminder of why you and I were never truly meant to be any more than very good friends.

I am very sentimental. I like believing in the American Dream. I like seeing others happy. I like seeing others get special things, special help. I like the thought of being some one's Valentine. I like the idea of receiving gifts on that "pseudo-holiday." I like the idea of my special someone acknowledging my birthday from the moment I wake up and making me feel extraordinarily special all day. I like the idea of doing the same thing for my special someone, making them feel like the most important person in the world.

I like the idea of creating sappy, sweet, sentimental memories with that special someone and celebrating special dates...even the most insignificant ones.

Although my heart aches horrendously every day because of the things I've never been able to experience, it aches as much for you because life has turned you so horribly, awfully bitter. It hurts because you can not truly find joy or happiness in much of anything.

I love you my friend... but that is all you are and sadly for me, all you ever will be.

Happy Valentine's Day.

FEELING PATHETIC

Last week I began listening to TWILIGHT on my iPod. I am hooked. However, I have to say that I am feeling very pathetic. For those that have read it, think of chapter 13, CONFESSIONS. For those that have not, this is the chapter that was inspired by a dream that the authoress had and inspired the series.

I'm pathetic because I cried! I was feeling so lonely and unloved while listening to that (and have tears in my eyes now just recalling the feelings), that I cried.

I've already been through the book once. I didn't have the second one loaded on my iPod yet and didn't want to just listen to music, so I started over. This time I made a point of taking my lunch break, going to my car and restarting that chapter. My eyes were full of tears through the whole chapter.

I hate my life. I have nothing to compare this to. Well, I might have had once, but I don't anymore. Very sad...