It has taken me nearly 4 years, but I have finally come to a major realization (and several lesser ones as well).
When you broke things off with me (kicked me out of your place), you told me it was because you felt like you were being smothered. I was too needy; too clingy… it was like being married again. I, being the self-depricating person I am, believed you, whole-heartedly. After all, you were the one with all of the experience in a relationship and I know what I was wishing for. That wasn’t what you wanted at all.
Well, something finally dawned on me this morning (and who knows… I may have realized this before, but pushed it out of my mind)…my “neediness” was not an issue for you until you met that other person. I’m mad at myself for not calling you on the carpet for that one right then and there, but I was so devastated that I couldn’t think straight. I’ve actually known all along that the night that I called around looking for you was one of the first nights you were with her but you lied to me instead of telling me the truth. I don’t know if you had been out with her before, but I can see the times that you were with her and the lies you told me to cover it.
I remember one day asking you if I could come over and see you. It was the day you told me not to do anything crazy, alluding to me being suicidal. I told you that I loved you, but that you weren’t worth that much. You said you were on your way to watch the hockey game with Aaron. Again, I believed you at the time, but I realize now that it was just a few days later you told me you that you hadn’t seen or talked to Aaron in a long time. BUSTED!
And the extra lock on the front door of your apartment…that was for YOUR privacy. Yeah right! That was so I wouldn’t walk in on the two of you. What an idiot I was!!! I already knew what her car looked like the one time that I did try to come in and the lock was in place. Why didn’t you just ask me for your key back? I guess maybe you felt like you couldn’t because I did have a right to be there…. Some of my stuff was being stored in your garage.
All of the times you avoided my phone calls; all of the times you were already busy when I invited you to do something. How pathetic and stupid was I? Am I?
It really was not the fact that I was needy… it was the fact that you were a liar and couldn’t tell me the truth…you wanted to screw around with someone else that was more the type of person that you wanted in your life. She was a drunk that could screw you the way you wanted her to, not just some Miss Priss that was trying to stay somewhat pure. Well I messed that up, but that was no one’s fault but my own. I know full well that it was my own weaknesses that I allowed to overwhelm me and give in to my own wants and lust.
I did learn many things from you, the biggest of which was that I am not as strong mentally as I thought I was. I always told myself I could resist “needs” but I know now that I will cave just like most everyone else.
I truly, truly want to hate you…in the truest sense of the word! As happy as you’ve made me, you’ve honestly made me twice as miserable but I must be a massochist because I keep hanging around for more pain.
I’m just glad that I have finally come to the realization that I am NOT in love with you. I do love you; I love you dearly, but I am not IN LOVE with you. Although I can’t find another man in the world that believes it, I am better than that and I deserve better than you. I deserve someone that truly appreciates me for what I have to offer him, even if it is just being needy and wanting to share everything and every moment with him.
I will give you this much, you are one of the best friends I have, but I just wish I could let go of whatever it is that keeps pulling me to you. I need to be able to distance myself from you and not feel so alone when I’m not with you or don’t have contact with you for an extended period of time. I want to shout to the universe “JUST LET ME GO!” But there is a gravitational pull that keeps me from leaving you completely… and the money has very little to do with it, although it is a part of it.
My heart still thuds when I hear from you. I get excited at the thought of seeing you, but I have to scold myself when I feel these things. I shouldn’t be feeling these things for you. You’re not mine and I can’t feel these things. I think of you far too often.
As much as I want to hate you, I still believe that you are a good man. You just have been dealt a raw deal in life and people have made you bitter. That bitterness is what makes it so hard for me to really want you anymore.
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