With Time Comes Clarity and vision

It has taken me nearly 4 years, but I have finally come to a major realization (and several lesser ones as well).

When you broke things off with me (kicked me out of your place), you told me it was because you felt like you were being smothered. I was too needy; too clingy… it was like being married again. I, being the self-depricating person I am, believed you, whole-heartedly. After all, you were the one with all of the experience in a relationship and I know what I was wishing for. That wasn’t what you wanted at all.

Well, something finally dawned on me this morning (and who knows… I may have realized this before, but pushed it out of my mind)…my “neediness” was not an issue for you until you met that other person. I’m mad at myself for not calling you on the carpet for that one right then and there, but I was so devastated that I couldn’t think straight. I’ve actually known all along that the night that I called around looking for you was one of the first nights you were with her but you lied to me instead of telling me the truth. I don’t know if you had been out with her before, but I can see the times that you were with her and the lies you told me to cover it.

I remember one day asking you if I could come over and see you. It was the day you told me not to do anything crazy, alluding to me being suicidal. I told you that I loved you, but that you weren’t worth that much. You said you were on your way to watch the hockey game with Aaron. Again, I believed you at the time, but I realize now that it was just a few days later you told me you that you hadn’t seen or talked to Aaron in a long time. BUSTED!

And the extra lock on the front door of your apartment…that was for YOUR privacy. Yeah right! That was so I wouldn’t walk in on the two of you. What an idiot I was!!! I already knew what her car looked like the one time that I did try to come in and the lock was in place. Why didn’t you just ask me for your key back? I guess maybe you felt like you couldn’t because I did have a right to be there…. Some of my stuff was being stored in your garage.

All of the times you avoided my phone calls; all of the times you were already busy when I invited you to do something. How pathetic and stupid was I? Am I?

It really was not the fact that I was needy… it was the fact that you were a liar and couldn’t tell me the truth…you wanted to screw around with someone else that was more the type of person that you wanted in your life. She was a drunk that could screw you the way you wanted her to, not just some Miss Priss that was trying to stay somewhat pure. Well I messed that up, but that was no one’s fault but my own. I know full well that it was my own weaknesses that I allowed to overwhelm me and give in to my own wants and lust.

I did learn many things from you, the biggest of which was that I am not as strong mentally as I thought I was. I always told myself I could resist “needs” but I know now that I will cave just like most everyone else.

I truly, truly want to hate you…in the truest sense of the word! As happy as you’ve made me, you’ve honestly made me twice as miserable but I must be a massochist because I keep hanging around for more pain.

I’m just glad that I have finally come to the realization that I am NOT in love with you. I do love you; I love you dearly, but I am not IN LOVE with you. Although I can’t find another man in the world that believes it, I am better than that and I deserve better than you. I deserve someone that truly appreciates me for what I have to offer him, even if it is just being needy and wanting to share everything and every moment with him.

I will give you this much, you are one of the best friends I have, but I just wish I could let go of whatever it is that keeps pulling me to you. I need to be able to distance myself from you and not feel so alone when I’m not with you or don’t have contact with you for an extended period of time. I want to shout to the universe “JUST LET ME GO!” But there is a gravitational pull that keeps me from leaving you completely… and the money has very little to do with it, although it is a part of it.

My heart still thuds when I hear from you. I get excited at the thought of seeing you, but I have to scold myself when I feel these things. I shouldn’t be feeling these things for you. You’re not mine and I can’t feel these things. I think of you far too often.

As much as I want to hate you, I still believe that you are a good man. You just have been dealt a raw deal in life and people have made you bitter. That bitterness is what makes it so hard for me to really want you anymore.

Isn't the Way I Thought It Would Be

Although I'm looking forward to moving to a new place, I can't help but look back on what I thought my life was going to be when I moved in here. I'm feeling rather melancholy about it.

When I moved in here in 4-1/2 years ago, I was seeing HIM and things were looking really pretty good. I was seriously thinking this was just a temporary stop on the way to a joint household once we were married. We shared some good times while I lived here. Not necessarily here, but there are some good memories associated with the time I've been here.

So, it is with a little bit of sadness that I gladly move on to (hopefully) better times and better things.

What would make it the best?

HE asked me if I was frustrated. My reply was "aren't I most days?!?!?!" He replied with "I thot your world was getting better." I asked him why he would think that. He told me that it was because I have a job I like, I'm moving to a new place, my debt is under control. I really couldn't respond. I told him that I agreed, my life is pretty good, but it's not the best.

His response to that was "What would make it the best?" I asked him if anyone was ever completely happy with their life. His response was that he is. He has everything he needs, including depressed/pissed friends." Again I couldn't respond. I finally told him that I knew things could be so much worse but that my life was OK. However, I did tell him that I know that I am in charge of my own destiny. He asked if I wanted to expound on it. I told him no. I said that this time I was going to keep things to myself.

I know I should be happy with what I have in my life right now. But there are SO MANY "things" that are missing from my life. The biggest, most important one is that special SOMEONE to love me for me. Someone to be there every time that I need them, not just when it's convenient for them. Someone to hold me in moments like this. Someone that shares my joys and my sorrows and doesn't feel that I'm smothering them because I want to be with him or in touch with him all of the time.

I'm glad he thinks he's happy with his life. That's what matters I guess, but I don't believe it. I've said it before. If he was truly happy with his life and has truly moved forward from what has happened, his bitterness would not come out like it does. He wouldn't let THOSE people get under his skin the way they do. He wouldn't be so quick to speak so evilly about them so easily.

I KNOW that I am far too forgiving of people. I am far too naive about the world. I have a much too Pollyanna-type outlook on life, but is that the reason I'm so very much alone? Is that the reason that no one special loves me? If that's the case I want to die. Why keep living if this is what life has in-store for me?

In the next life, I want to come back as a lying, conniving, evil bitch. From what I've seen and experienced they get everything they need and want.

It was there once

I've finally realized that you are not the one that I want to be my one and only. The reason for this is that I can't handle your negativity, and of course the fact that you don't feel the same.

But looking back at the beginning of our relationship, I see that it was there for both of us at one point. You were once as emotionally bound to me as I was to you. The prime example was the weekend that I went to New York. I felt so connected to you and I know what from you said to me in our phone calls that you felt very close and connected to me.

The day that you cried on the phone after telling me about your DUI, I know you cared and loved me. Or at least I think you did. It just hit me, that I think it was your fear coming out again. You were still in a fragile emotional and mental state at that time. I think now, that rather than feeling emotion toward me specifically, you were simply afraid that you had failed another person.

WOW! I'm glad I just wrote this. I've been romanticizing that day in my mind for 4-1/2 years now. Now I can wipe that away and know that it was more about you and your fears than it was about your feelings for me.

You never did have highly emotional feelings for me.

WOW! REALITY CHECK! What a rush.

Here I go again...

I've done pretty well for nearly a week... not teary, not depressed. But right now I'm falling to pieces.

I KNOW that he is not THE one for me, so why is it that I can not let him go or distance myself from him. It's because he's the only one I've ever had and I think I'm holding on to a dream of what could be.

We really have nothing in common and he irritates me to no end, but I want him there.

I Should Be Happy

I should be happy because I actually got to spend the afternoon and evening with Him. So, why is it that I couldn't wait to leave his place, felt sad all the way home and am sitting here with tears in my eyes?

Good Night...

... My love, who ever you may be... wherever you may be.