It's Been a While...

... since I've had to post on this blog. I've been using this as a place to vent. Things have been pretty good, so I haven't felt the need... until today. I'm having one of THOSE days.

I really don't want to be here at work. My mind keeps wandering home. I'd rather be there. I've got things to do.

I talked with Mom earlier and by the time we hung up, I just really didn't want to hear anymore. She wasn't as bad as she usually can be, but I didn't want to hear anymore whining.

I'm feeling like a slug because I haven't done any kind of exercise routine for over a week. I'm hoping to go home tonight and do some work on the Wii. That will help. I miss doing the Abdoer workout though. Mainly I guess I miss my workout partner. It's good for me not to be over there all of the time though.

I need to start packing again and work on getting things cleaned out. I'll be moving again in 2 months. I'm looking forward to buying a place of my own again, but I'm having occasional anxiety attacks about it. The lease on my apartment is up at the end of May. I'm going to put my things in a storage pod for now and move into a friends spare room while I continue to look.

We'll see how things go. This has been good to write. Already feeling better.

Have you ever...?

... felt appreciated but not respected? I've been feeling that a lot lately on SO many fronts.

Days Like This

I hate days like this. Everything is pissing me off or putting me in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone; I don't want to do anything; I don't want to see anyone. I don't even want to look at pictures of my favorite 5-year old or kibbitz with my favorite person on instant message. It's stupid too.

I heard this morning that 2 of my favorite people won't be able to come to town for Thanksgiving. I so look forward to that every year and am extremely disappointed. Mom suggested maybe we change our plans and go to Sis's instead of staying home. I don't want to do that, but I'm considering telling her that she and Dad should go and I'll just stay home. Maybe I'd fix dinner for friends and do my own thing this year. I know that will NEVER fly! I don't truly have a life of my own. Even if I seriously wanted to do that I would end up being persona-non-grata and everyone would be mad at me.

I'm just having a horrible day today. I want to just go home and crawl back into bed.

I'm Tired...

...tired of feeling like everything I believe is wrong.

...tired of feeling that because I think something is wrong, I'm a horrible person.

...tired of constantly feeling like I owe someone an explanation.

...tired of not feeling like I can really be myself.

...tired of feeling like someone, somewhere is always judging me.

I want to be my own person, but I just don't feel like the world will let me.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free...

"If they come back they're yours; if not they never were."

Over the past couple of years, I have found this axiom to be very true. I had someone that I held tightly to and they struggled to be free. I finally, reluctantly released them. Although it took a good deal of time, they are finally returning to me. Not exactly in the way I had hoped, but returning to me nonetheless.

Therapeutic

I've heard writers say that writing is sometimes therapeutic for them. I am actually finding that is true for me.

I have my regular public blog that I share with everyone in my world. Then there is this one. This one is where I write my truest, deepest thoughts and feelings. This is where I open myself up and spew my guts.

Here is where I can write and say whatever I want without having to explain myself. Here is where I don’t have to worry about somebody reading what I’ve written and worrying about what I might do. I am not a suicidal person, but I’m honestly afraid that some people might overreact and think I might be.

So to the internet world that doesn’t know me, I thank you for letting me be me here in this world of blogging.

I'll Just Finish My Life Alone

As much as I want to be married and have children of my own, I've reached a point in my life where I'll say that I'll just finish my life alone.

I'm 48 years old. I'm beyond the time where I could actually carry a healthy baby and after watching the way "loving couples" treat each other, I'll just finish my life alone.

I can't take the scrutiny and criticism of friends and loved ones for what they don't approve of. I'll just finish my life alone.

I don't like being alone all of the time. I would enjoy coming home to someone each night and having someone there to snuggle with, but I just can't take that stress and turmoil. I'll just finish my life alone.

I won't turn anyone away should they decide they wish to be my companion, but I'm not looking anymore. It's not worth the hurt, pain and aggravation. I'll just finish my life alone.