Have you ever...?

... felt appreciated but not respected? I've been feeling that a lot lately on SO many fronts.

Days Like This

I hate days like this. Everything is pissing me off or putting me in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone; I don't want to do anything; I don't want to see anyone. I don't even want to look at pictures of my favorite 5-year old or kibbitz with my favorite person on instant message. It's stupid too.

I heard this morning that 2 of my favorite people won't be able to come to town for Thanksgiving. I so look forward to that every year and am extremely disappointed. Mom suggested maybe we change our plans and go to Sis's instead of staying home. I don't want to do that, but I'm considering telling her that she and Dad should go and I'll just stay home. Maybe I'd fix dinner for friends and do my own thing this year. I know that will NEVER fly! I don't truly have a life of my own. Even if I seriously wanted to do that I would end up being persona-non-grata and everyone would be mad at me.

I'm just having a horrible day today. I want to just go home and crawl back into bed.

I'm Tired...

...tired of feeling like everything I believe is wrong.

...tired of feeling that because I think something is wrong, I'm a horrible person.

...tired of constantly feeling like I owe someone an explanation.

...tired of not feeling like I can really be myself.

...tired of feeling like someone, somewhere is always judging me.

I want to be my own person, but I just don't feel like the world will let me.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free...

"If they come back they're yours; if not they never were."

Over the past couple of years, I have found this axiom to be very true. I had someone that I held tightly to and they struggled to be free. I finally, reluctantly released them. Although it took a good deal of time, they are finally returning to me. Not exactly in the way I had hoped, but returning to me nonetheless.

Therapeutic

I've heard writers say that writing is sometimes therapeutic for them. I am actually finding that is true for me.

I have my regular public blog that I share with everyone in my world. Then there is this one. This one is where I write my truest, deepest thoughts and feelings. This is where I open myself up and spew my guts.

Here is where I can write and say whatever I want without having to explain myself. Here is where I don’t have to worry about somebody reading what I’ve written and worrying about what I might do. I am not a suicidal person, but I’m honestly afraid that some people might overreact and think I might be.

So to the internet world that doesn’t know me, I thank you for letting me be me here in this world of blogging.

I'll Just Finish My Life Alone

As much as I want to be married and have children of my own, I've reached a point in my life where I'll say that I'll just finish my life alone.

I'm 48 years old. I'm beyond the time where I could actually carry a healthy baby and after watching the way "loving couples" treat each other, I'll just finish my life alone.

I can't take the scrutiny and criticism of friends and loved ones for what they don't approve of. I'll just finish my life alone.

I don't like being alone all of the time. I would enjoy coming home to someone each night and having someone there to snuggle with, but I just can't take that stress and turmoil. I'll just finish my life alone.

I won't turn anyone away should they decide they wish to be my companion, but I'm not looking anymore. It's not worth the hurt, pain and aggravation. I'll just finish my life alone.

May 23, 2006

We are fast approaching a date that I would much rather forget. Very much like March 5, 2005, it is a day that forever changed my life, but in the opposite way.

March 5, 2005 is the day that I met Him. It didn’t take long, but soon my life was all about Him. I wanted to be with Him every minute of the day, and we were together as much as possible when we weren’t working. Even when we were at work we seemed to be in constant communication via email, text messaging and phone calls. I honestly thought that I was deeply and madly in love. I honestly thought that He was the one I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. HA! HA! HA! HA! I realize now, now that there has been some distance and time between us, that I was in love with the idea that someone wanted to be with me.

May 23, 2006 was the day my life began to crash in around me. Although I didn’t see it immediately, that was the first night that I know He was with someone else. He will never admit it to me, but as the few years have gone by, I can see now that that is where He was. It was a few days later that the final blow came and I have been on my own since then.

Yes, there have been times when we were close and intimate again, but I’ve never been the “only” one in His life again. The truth is I don’t think that I ever really was. I couldn’t be the only one in his life when we first met because he was just starting what turned out to be a very ugly divorce process. I think there was still a small glimmer of hope that something might be mended with the ex. As he became more comfortable with the fact that he was no longer married (or going to be) he became even more flirtatious with other females. Then by the time we had been together a year I was slowly becoming less and less central in his life.

I honestly wish my memory wasn’t so good. Although I will forever be grateful for the time that we did have, I wish I could forget specifics and dates. Not only specifics surrounding this relationship, but a lot of things in my life. Most people think that a good memory is a gift; however, if they had ever lived in my mind for a few days, they would see that it is not always a blessing. At times like this it is a horrible, painful curse.