Worst Day in a VERY Long Time!

This has got to be the worst day I've had in a very, very long time.

I had to take my partner to county detention this morning to start serving his 9 months of court ordered jail time and work release for being arrested on his THIRD DUI since 2005. We've known this was coming for quite a while, but the specific date was not determined until last week.....MARCH 15, 2012 @ 8 a.m.

We had a sorry night last night. He ended working until about 9 p.m. so if was nearly 10 p.m. when he got home. There was still paperwork to be filled out and things to be done. I had hoped we'd be able to sit and spend some time together. Didn't happen. I had to go to bed because I still had to come in to work after I took him in, so I needed to get some sleep. HA! HA! He snored horribly when he came to bed. I had dreams all night that bothered me. So much for getting some rest.

When we got up this morning I thought maybe we could spend a few minutes of just holding each other. Well, Mr. OCD had so many things to take care of before we left that this never happened either. REALLY? You couldn't leave the trash for me just this one time? I would have been ok with it. I've lived alone for a lot of years. It's not my favorite thing but I can take care of it. "I was doing you a favor so you didn't have to deal with it." Was his statement.

We live about 20-30 minutes from the detention center. At 7:50 a.m. I finally got tired and anxious and snarky. "It was 8:00 am. and not 8:00 p.m right?" I said calmly. "That was facetious." He replied...and it was all down hill from there. We argued and I cried all the way to the detention center. I was teary the whole time we sat waiting for the officer in charge.

Once his belongings were bagged, he was taken over to a corner of the room, searched and cuffed. I was told by the officer that there was no reason I should wait and that he would be in contact. They lead him down to the cells and I left the jail. So much for a loving, peaceful Good-bye to the man I love.

I know that I WILL see him again in a few days. I have to pick him up at the jail to get him to the lightrail for work. But this particular separation has just stabbed me in the heart. You'd think after 50 years I'd have learned not to have any expectations of how things will play out...especially if they are the least bit romanticized.

Oh well, 275 days and this will be done. I can do this. I just don't know if I can hold it together.

It's Been a While...

... since I've had to post on this blog. I've been using this as a place to vent. Things have been pretty good, so I haven't felt the need... until today. I'm having one of THOSE days.

I really don't want to be here at work. My mind keeps wandering home. I'd rather be there. I've got things to do.

I talked with Mom earlier and by the time we hung up, I just really didn't want to hear anymore. She wasn't as bad as she usually can be, but I didn't want to hear anymore whining.

I'm feeling like a slug because I haven't done any kind of exercise routine for over a week. I'm hoping to go home tonight and do some work on the Wii. That will help. I miss doing the Abdoer workout though. Mainly I guess I miss my workout partner. It's good for me not to be over there all of the time though.

I need to start packing again and work on getting things cleaned out. I'll be moving again in 2 months. I'm looking forward to buying a place of my own again, but I'm having occasional anxiety attacks about it. The lease on my apartment is up at the end of May. I'm going to put my things in a storage pod for now and move into a friends spare room while I continue to look.

We'll see how things go. This has been good to write. Already feeling better.

Have you ever...?

... felt appreciated but not respected? I've been feeling that a lot lately on SO many fronts.

Days Like This

I hate days like this. Everything is pissing me off or putting me in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone; I don't want to do anything; I don't want to see anyone. I don't even want to look at pictures of my favorite 5-year old or kibbitz with my favorite person on instant message. It's stupid too.

I heard this morning that 2 of my favorite people won't be able to come to town for Thanksgiving. I so look forward to that every year and am extremely disappointed. Mom suggested maybe we change our plans and go to Sis's instead of staying home. I don't want to do that, but I'm considering telling her that she and Dad should go and I'll just stay home. Maybe I'd fix dinner for friends and do my own thing this year. I know that will NEVER fly! I don't truly have a life of my own. Even if I seriously wanted to do that I would end up being persona-non-grata and everyone would be mad at me.

I'm just having a horrible day today. I want to just go home and crawl back into bed.

I'm Tired...

...tired of feeling like everything I believe is wrong.

...tired of feeling that because I think something is wrong, I'm a horrible person.

...tired of constantly feeling like I owe someone an explanation.

...tired of not feeling like I can really be myself.

...tired of feeling like someone, somewhere is always judging me.

I want to be my own person, but I just don't feel like the world will let me.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free...

"If they come back they're yours; if not they never were."

Over the past couple of years, I have found this axiom to be very true. I had someone that I held tightly to and they struggled to be free. I finally, reluctantly released them. Although it took a good deal of time, they are finally returning to me. Not exactly in the way I had hoped, but returning to me nonetheless.

Therapeutic

I've heard writers say that writing is sometimes therapeutic for them. I am actually finding that is true for me.

I have my regular public blog that I share with everyone in my world. Then there is this one. This one is where I write my truest, deepest thoughts and feelings. This is where I open myself up and spew my guts.

Here is where I can write and say whatever I want without having to explain myself. Here is where I don’t have to worry about somebody reading what I’ve written and worrying about what I might do. I am not a suicidal person, but I’m honestly afraid that some people might overreact and think I might be.

So to the internet world that doesn’t know me, I thank you for letting me be me here in this world of blogging.